I lost my mom several years ago and it hurts more now than ever

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Josh Stevens, Dec 17, 2017.

  1. Josh Stevens

    Josh Stevens New Member

    My mother has been gone - nearly 30 years now; and I'm more sad about it now than ever. I wish this was not haunting me so much. I was 12 when she died and my memories are faint and painful. We had a good relationship, I loved my mom so much. I cannot feel joy in remembering her as thoughts of her always bring me sadness. She never got the chance to know the person I am. Because I was so young when she was lost I missed out on the kind of bonding and emotional growth that I am lacking today.

    I have succumbed to substance abuse disorder in recent years. My family is fragmented now and there are not a lot of us. I took an attitude over the years that I'm ok without family, I'll just get through this and that on my own. I miss having a family.

    This year has been the hardest yet as I realize how much this death has effected so much of my life, which I was not truly aware of.

    Any picture I look at, thought or realization having to do with my mother brings me immense sadness and pain. I try to look for 'mother' qualities in other people in my life, and although helpful at times, it is not the same and there is no replacement.

    I'm learning now that I may have unresolved grief. There is a void in my life, an emptiness that I have not been able to fill.

    I just want to have a happy life and not have things like this substance abuse problem ruining my life.

    I feel so lost. The saying about time healing all wounds or something seems to have the opposite effect for me. I need help in resolving this. Thank you for reading, I welcome feedback...
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Josh, thank you so much for being here and for sharing such an honest story of loss.
    I agree...time doesn't heal all wounds. We certainly hope with time to soften the hard edges of the pain it brings, but that only comes when we have been able to work through the full process of loss. I'm not sure it's something a 12 year old is capable of doing without a lot of guidance and support. Children can often be left behind to fend for themselves as the adults try to deal with their own pain and grief.
    It doesn't matter how much time has passed, if you feel you haven't had a chance to fully express this loss, than you will in a sense be starting over...and that's okay. It sounds like you went from a kid unsure of how to process even "normal" healthy emotions to an adult who was using substances to block out any of the pain...to avoid feeling anything at all.
    When a person stops drinking or stops using drugs it's like someone turned all the lights on in the house - and suddenly every crack in the wall, and every dirty corner, and everything that had been hidden in the dark is suddenly right there in front of you. And it can feel like just too much to have to deal with, which is why some choose to go back to the dark again.
    But no healing will ever happen there, and only more pain and more loss and more isolation will result. It sounds like that may be where you are now.
    Coming to this site and sharing your story is just the beginning, but an important step at that. It tells me that you want better for yourself. That you know that your mother would want more for you. That it is time to talk about this, to face it, and to learn to develop the coping skills you haven't found up until this point.
    This site is just one place to start, and I hope you can find some comfort in sharing and connecting and hearing other people's stories. But I encourage you to seek additional emotional support as well, perhaps in an individual counselor in your area, or through a church or temple.
    There are people out there who want to help you. We want to help you. I'm hoping that YOU are finally and really ready to help you.
    I hope you stay with us and keep us posted on your progress.
    Please take care~
     
    Lucille likes this.
  3. Josh Stevens

    Josh Stevens New Member

    Hi, thank you for your reply griefic. Unfortunately I am still struggling with my substance issue, I'm hoping the new year will bring the hope and change I need. It is sad reading the forums here, parents that have lost their children to drugs. I feel irony in the fact that I long for my mothers care, yet other parents are missing their kids. I don't know why I keep failing myself. I have many friends that care about me. I feel like I need to be living my life in such a way that mom would be proud of me. I'd like to work through the depression that that brings. I'm feeling so caught in the never ending cycle of self destruction. I will keep trying...