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I lost my husband almost 5 months ago

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Handcrafter2, Sep 1, 2016.

  1. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Handcrafter,
    Sorry that I don't know your first name:).
    Thank you for your lovely email. You sound like a very special woman as well. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be without someone you shared all your life with. He must have been very special.
    I remember how hard it was for my Mom after my Dad died. Morty was technically my step-dad, however he was in my life for 30 years, and was always "Dad" and I was his daughter. They had a wonderful marriage and after he was gone, our lives were never quite the same. My Mom was a trooper though, and that's probably where I got some of my strength from. You sound much the same. It's great that you have your family to spend time with and some good friends close by, however I know that there are times that you likely feel very alone.
    I also don't sleep well, as you may be able to tell from the time I am writing this! It's 3AM and I am wide awake! And I also take meds to help me sleep, but sometimes they just don't work too well.
    I have found it very helpful and comforting being on this site. It truly is a place where you can lend support and also receive it when you need to be heard and understood. Although everyone's story is different, we all share the same feelings of having and trying to live with a broken heart. It really is an ongoing struggle, isn't it?
    Well, I'm going to try to sleep for another couple of hours, but I just wanted to respond to your post and thank you.
    Hope to hear back soon.
    Until then...take good care. Comfort, peace and strength always.

    Ellen
     
    griefic likes this.
  2. Handcrafter2

    Handcrafter2 Member

    Hi Ellen, so glad you chose to reply. I am happy that you are finding the folks here helpful and I look forward to you and I become friends who can share our lives and what we do to find peace in this difficult time. Yes. its lonely at night and I can't always sleep at night or wake up during the night, and it sure does feel so lonely. Its too quiet so I get on my tablet and look at you tube and facebook to see what people are doing. I do have hobbies but since I have been home from the holidays I don't have the ambition to do too much and just do the usual things to keep up the house and watch a lot of my favorite shows. My friends want me to get out and I think I will go for lunch with my girlfriend. We have known each other for many years and have gone through a lot together, including loosing our husbands. Grief is so personal and I feel like I want to be alone to cope but I know I should live but I am always so sad and hate to make people have me always gloomy. I know its going to take time and I take one day at a time and do what I can do to keep busy and then I feel like I accomplished something.
    Take care and keep in touch. I love hearing from you and I am sure that other folks here will gain from your experiences and help them as well.

    My name is Virginia
     
  3. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Hi Virginia,
    So nice to hear back from you. I must tell you that we are very much alike, especially in how we handle difficult things in our lives. I also have to tell you that your attitude and approach to handling your grief is incredibly healthy. You're a very strong and grounded woman.....like me. I know for sure that your husband's spirit is smiling down at you and is so very proud.
    I do the same things as you when I can't sleep, which lately is more often than I'd like. I don't like to rely on meds. Of course my big furry cat Kennedy likes to play at 3 AM, so that occupies me as well.
    I think it's good to share time with your friend who also lost her husband. She certainly understands how you feel and that's comforting. However learning to be alone and do it well is also important. I know for sure that you will succeed at it.
    What are some of your favorite shows? I love Blue Bloods, Law & Order SVU and This is Us. I also love Ellen DeGeneres and watch her every single day. How are you feeling about Trump? Me, I feel sick, so if you like him, we won't talk about it. And if not, we can be scared for the next 4 years together!
    I had a kind of rough experience today. My jeweler called me and told me that my ex-husband came in with his girlfriend to buy an engagement ring. He's 72 and she's 51! My jeweler would not sell to him! The thought of it opened the wound of betrayal I'm trying to heal from. He hurt me like no one ever had and although I know I will survive and ultimately be better and happier, I will also never be the same. It's very much like a death. But being alone is much better than being with someone who doesn't truly love you.
    It's not the same as in person, but anytime you want to talk about your husband and how you're feeling, I'm always here to listen.

    Have a good night, try to sleep and we'll talk again soon.

    Hugs...Ellen
     
  4. Handcrafter2

    Handcrafter2 Member

    Hi Ellen, I had a busy day as I decided to work outside as well as in and I worked most of the day and hope it will allow me to sleep better tonight as I wore myself out, It was sunny out so I wanted to get out of doors after doing some cleaning inside. After getting home from my daughter's hour over the holidays, lot of dust. I am a Trump supporter and hope we will have a good 4 years and I do feel hopeful. That is all I will say about that, as politics don't do well sometimes with people. I am sorry about your ex and his girlfriend.. I imagine its hurtful and painful, but I think you are better off without him. I think maybe if you stayed with him you would be sad. So hold your head up high and just think of the bullet you missed! Well I am off to bed as I am tired but feel good as I accomplished something good today. Take care and hope to here soon. Va.
     
  5. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Hi Virginia,
    You sound good today and hopefully you are now fast asleep from all that fresh air and hard work. Yes, it was a really nice day today and very warm for January.
    Do you have a lot of property where you live?
    I also got outside to enjoy the day. I own a horse and board him out on Eastern Long Island, which is about 2 hours from where I live. I get out there twice a month in the winter and more often when the weather is warm to ride him and visit. He's on a beautiful estate that some friends own and they have all kinds of animals. It's right near the water, so it's nice. It was a wonderful day and though I'm tired, still can't sleep.
    I don't know that I missed any bullet with my ex-husband, since I was with him for 25 years, but I am better off without him. It just hurts to realize that it was all a lie.
    And I think we shouldn't discuss Trump or politics at all, since I think he's a narcissistic SOB who's going to do nothing good for this country. I pray 4 years goes fast and we're rid of him. Enough said!
    Take care and speak again soon!
    Ellen
     
  6. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Hi Virginia,
    I hope the reason I haven't heard back from you is because you've been keeping busy out and about, and not because of my political preferences. That would be sad and unfortunate.
    I hope you're doing well and that I hear back from you.
    Take care-Ellen
     
  7. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Hello to everyone on this thread! First I want to say thank you for being so supportive of one another.
    I'm glad to have the opportunity to remind us all that as we come to this site it should be viewed as a place of respite and support. Our grief is what brings us here and it may be that it's all we have in common. But for some, the grief overshadows everything else and so that's all we need to connect.
    Let's remember not to invite in the topics that divide us or isolate us any further, regardless of where we stand on any issues or topics. As friendships grow "offline" through private conversations then I absolutely invite and encourage you to get to know each other on a deeper level!
    But here on the forums, I want this site to be a warm and welcoming community of grievers who come together looking to give and get love, encouragement and support.
    Thank you again for being a part of it!
     
    LuAnn likes this.
  8. Handcrafter2

    Handcrafter2 Member

    Hi Ellen, I am saddened that you dislike Trump and thought we wouldn't have much in common but I realize that what we really do have in common is loosing our husbands. Mine through passing and with you leaving for another woman. I am pro-life and want a strong military as I haven't felt safe for 8 years. I hope you are doing better and can smile once in a while. I have had a sad week as my son had a birthday and he was saying how off key his Dad sang Happy Birthday. It seems I cry a lot around the kids as we always had fun times together and I truly miss those times. I guess its a process of getting through it and I try to keep busy and have most of the yard work done and plan on getting some primroses out front of the house to cheer things up.I hope you are doing well too and hope you keep in touch.
     
  9. Heartbrokenandlost

    Heartbrokenandlost New Member

    It has been 11 days since the love of my life, my husband, passed away. He had been in and out of the hospital for the last four years. Every time he would bouce back, he was so strong. He had End Stage Renial Disease. This last time on January 31st he was at home with me and he wakes me out of a sound sleep screaming my name. I jumped up and ran to where he was sitting in his chair to see what was wrong. All he could do was say my name and he was crying. Then he just went limp. Those were the last words he every spoke. When the ambulance got us to the hospital the doctor had him put on the respirator and my husband started going into shock. I later found out that he had had a massive stroke due to his body having gone into shock because he was septic. We never even knew he had an infection. He had a necrotizing pneumonia in his lungs that was killing the tissue there. After several life saving procedures and two brain scans, a MRI and a CAT scan the doctors told me that there was no chance of recovery at all. No hope. My husband had had another stroke and had no brain activity. He was not breathing at all on his own and his liver was shutting down. His heart wasnt even strong enough to continue his dialysis. On Febuary 24th I lost him. My strong amazing husband could not fight any longer. Our aniversary had been the day after he had been rushed into the ER and my birthday had been the day after. I don't know how to deal with this pain. I can not take comfort even in the fact that his struggles and pain are over, because every day without him is heartbreaking.
     
  10. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Heartbroken,
    It is not often that I am at a loss for words. I am now. I read your post and my heart was also breaking for you.
    I have lost many loved ones.
    I feel your pain.
    I just wanted to extend my deepest and most heartfelt condolences. I am so very sorry.
    If you want to talk, vent, scream, whatever....I am here to listen.
    You are not alone.

    Take care-Ellen
     
  11. Heartbrokenandlost

    Heartbrokenandlost New Member

    Thank you Ellen and I too and sorry for your loss. I am just having a hard time trying to come to terms with him being gone. I don't know who I am anymore. We were together for seven years, but the last four has drawn us ever so much closer than we were. For these last four years I have been more than just his wife. I was his wife and best friend yes but also his protector, advocate, caregiver, therapist, counsilor, everything. And he was my world. I did and still do love him with all that I am. I don't know how to be ok. Everyone says that I should be happy that he is in no more pain and he isn't suffering anymore but I just can't get there. I can't even take joy in waking up each morning because it means that I have to face another day without him. Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal, my beliefs won't allow that, but there is just no join in greeting another day. Once again thank you for your understanding.
     
  12. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    It is extremely hard to continue on when you've lost a part of yourself. And being the primary caregiver and so much more, makes it even more difficult when your loved one dies. I experienced that with both my parents and also my daughter. She died 15 years ago from leukemia. My Dad 12 years ago from mesothelioma and my Mom in May of 2015 from COPD and Congestive Heart Failure. And it all feels like yesterday.

    Your loss was reall seconds ago. You need to allow yourself time to mourn and then eventually to heal. It's a long process and sometimes it takes forever. You just learn to live with it as time passes.
    If you have family close by, reach out to them. Or close friends. Now is when you'll find out who's there for you.
    It also might be helpful if you joined a bereavement support group. It helped me quite a bit. We all need to be heard and understood.
    Take baby steps and be good to yourself now. That's what your husband would have wanted and I think deep down you know that.
    Take care and write whenever you want.

    Hugs-Ellen
     
    Evans Seaton likes this.
  13. Linda

    Linda New Member

     
  14. Linda G

    Linda G New Member

    I have read this thread, and appreciated all of you. It just turned 8 months since I lost my husband of 28 years and the things you speak about resonate. I am so there with the lonely nights and weekends. At first the hardest part of my day was getting out of bed. Once I got back into the classroom, things during the day improved, and knowing I had middle schoolers that needed a teacher, helped motivate me in the morning. Now the hardest part of my day is from the time I crawl into bed (I still sleep on "my side") until I fall asleep. I can lay there for hours - most nights in tears. That is when the pain of loneliness, loss and the deafening silence is the loudest. When I do fall asleep, my dreams are terrible. Almost every night I dream I'm lost or in the midst of a disaster. Does anyone relate?
     
  15. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Linda,
    I am very sorry about your husband. Eight months is not very long and you have to give yourself time.
    Yes, nights are also the worst part of my day. I experienced the exact same thing as you describe when I lost my daughter, then my Dad and then my Mom in May of 2015. At first I would have terrible and very frightening nightmares. It actually took quite some time before I started to dream about pleasant memories I shared with my loved ones. In fact, it took years. And although my ex-husband is still alive, I was with him for 25 years and it was a horrible divorce.
    Infidelity and 10 years of lies. I also sleep on one corner of the bed now. Of course my large and lovable cat now sleeps on most of the other side!
    I do have a suggestion though, which worked for me. Before you lay down to go to sleep, try thinking about all the good times you spent with your husband. Maybe a nice vacation or a celebration. Try to remember how happy you felt. And practice deep breathing. Make those thoughts the last ones on your mind before you drift off. Sometimes that helps. I also have terrible insomnia since I was 50. Try ZZZQUILL. It relaxes you and helps you sleep and it's non/habit forming.

    No doubt it's going to take time to heal and figure out how to now live on your own. It's not easy and although things will never be the same... it will get better.

    Be kind to yourself and take good care.
    Ellen
     
  16. Sandra Ozio

    Sandra Ozio New Member

    My heart goes out to each and everyone of you that has lost your love one. I share your grief. I lost my husband in January of 2016. He had been sick for a couple of months but seem to be getting better in the last couple of days of his life. I woke up and found him dead next to me one morning. After that, our 16 year old chow, which was like his child and he loved her as much as she loved him, died of grief of missing him a month later. I was devastated and still find it hard to cope daily after losing both of my loves 18 months later. Really have no friends except one who stood by my side during his death but now thinks I should just put him in the past and move on with life like nothing never happened. I can relate to the nights being so lonely and hard to cope with. I can only sleep four or five hours a night if I'm lucky. I toss and turn the rest of the night with racing thoughts going through my head till it turns day light. It is sometimes so hard to cope. I am thankful I ran across this site. I need friends who understands what I'm going through.
     
  17. coolgrace

    coolgrace New Member

    Five weeks ago my huspand was diagnosed with liver cancer . They said he had a year to live. They said he was a liver transplant candidate. Then his kidneys failed. They kicked him out of the teaching hospital brought him home with inadequate pain meds, he began throwing up blood. He never even made it to hospice. I buried him on my birthday after only 5 weeks. 3 days later our dog began having seizures she died one week later. Because he left me nothing financially I have been doing delivery and my car blew up. A total loss.no way to replace it and I am doing thiswebsite because I am stranded out in the country after the love of my life of 40 years died 5 weeks ago. I am in shock. He and I have no family and just moved to this place-No friends. The grief is just stArting to hit and sometimes it goes on for hours. No one told me about the screaming that just comes out. And why does the crying physically hurt so much? I am trying to keep my chin up and rebuild my life but it feels like agony sometimes. Thankyou coolgrace
     
  18. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Coolgrace, I am so sorry for the multiple losses you have experienced. There are simply no words to describe the pain of so much loss and so much change...and all of it happening in such a short period of time. Being isolated makes it very hard when support is what we really need as we grieve. I'm so glad you have found our site and do hope there can be some help and comfort for you here. Please let us know if you have any questions or if there is anything you need. Please take care~
     
  19. coolgrace

    coolgrace New Member

    Wow Thankyou so much for your kind and thoughtful words. This grief is anew and unknown land to me. I appreciate your time so much.
     
  20. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    You are very welcome! That's what we're here for :) Wishing you all the best~