How do I live without my best friend

Exactly a month ago my husband passed away suddenly from a seizure disorder. We had been together for 7 years we just got married in February. The day before he passed was just a normal day. I spent the day at work and then shopping with my mom and then my friends invited me to a concert which I wasn't sure that I really wanted to go but my husband pushed me to go knowing I'd have fun. He dropped me off kissed me goodbye and we spent the night texting and exchanging kind words. That night when I got home he woke up to hear about my night found me some Tylenol for my headache and fell asleep holding my hand the next time I woke up he was having a seizure. This happened about once a week he'd have a seizure I'd watch over him to make sure he was okay. He'd wake up and we'd carry on the day as normal but this day was not normal. I woke up confused because I had only been asleep for two hours. When I realized what was going on I tried to move out of the way and to roll him over. Except he's much bigger than me and I struggled so much to get him on his side. He started vomiting and I again tried to help him but I couldn't get him in his side. He started aspirating and I called 911 they had me preform cpr while blood and vomit was coming out of his body I did that for four minutes while waiting for the ambulance to arrive they worked on him for 25 minutes and then the next five minutes were the hardest I've ever had to sit through they came out to tell me that they couldn't get his heart to start and that they were going to stop what they were doing. I had to sit next to the room our year old son was sleeping in and try to understand that we had just lost our heart. I'm living with this guilt that I couldn't help him and that I should've done more. I don't know how to keep moving other than to keep it together for our baby. I'm struggling so much with this and it just seems like no one really will ever understand.

 

Sorry for your loss. The suddenness and the helplessness of such an event is something we share. Early on I went to some groups and at the time this was helpful. You might meets some friends if you join a grief group and I found mine through neighbors, hospice and dr suggestions. I also still look online for others to share with when able.