Holidays are Especially Hard

Thank you so much. My 30 year old daughter is my best friend and she told me the other day that she wishes so bad I could just snap out of it. I looked at her and I said I want it more than you do. I snapped a couple nights ago and actually pictured me pulling the trigger and ending it all. I feel like I have lost all family now. 10 years ago my dad disowned everybody both my parents have untreated mental illness. I'm racing for help because I have pushed almost everybody out of my life and I changed my phone number tonight. I'm a grandmother turning 50 in February and I just realized for the first time in my life that I don't know how to handle my kids moving far away. All but one and although we share everything I thought it best to seek a support group so that I don't burden her. The support I need is for how to deal with my son's brain injury that has caused him to cut out his entire family and he's getting married in Australia on the 5th. I am disabled and my husband is legally blind and just had his knee replaced. I could never make the trip. I can see where some might think this is not a death but it feels like a death and the way my body has reacted I'm very worried about myself and keeping my sanity.

 

Jazz:
I can think of at least two reasons why you shouldn't pull any triggers. Your daughter and your grandchild. Think of how devastated they would be without you. And what about your husband? What would he do without you? But most importantly, what about you? Certainly you seem to be a good and kind person. And you found your way onto this site, so the healthy part of you wants to feel better or at least be heard, which is what we all really want. We need and want our feelings to be validated.
You say your daughter is your best friend. Well, good friends are there through the good and the bad. She's not 12 years old, she's 30. I'm sure she would be more than happy to have you confide in her. Give it a try. You may be surprised.

And absolutely reach out whenever you need to on this site. Many people are very responsive and can offer advice, comfort and support. Also, look for a support group in your area. I joined one last year when my Mom died and it really helped. Just physically being around people who were in the same boat.

I'm going to tell you one last thing before I try to get some sleep. Yup, sleep is not something I do too well. If you respond, I promise to write back tomorrow AM when I get up. I'm sure it will be early.

You see the picture of my cat to the left. Well, she's what I've got. That's it right now. No more family, no close friends, husband is an "ex" after cheating on me for 10 years. So basically it's Kennedy and I. And if all my losses weren't enough, last April I had to put my 19 year old cat to sleep. She was my constant companion form since she was 6 months old. I adopted Kennedy in August of 2015. She was abandoned when she was 4 years old. Someone just left this beautiful cat in a carrier in Petco and walked off. Her heart was broken also and she spent a year in a shelter before I found her. Nope, she's not a man and she doesn't speak words, but damn, that cat knows that I rescued her and she has truly found a special place in my heart. She has helped me to heal.

What I'm trying to say Jazz is that you have to be grateful for the small pleasures you have in your life and take comfort from wherever and whomever you find it in.

Talk to you again soon.

Get some rest!

Ellen

 

Thanks LauRae, and I totally agree that feeling the feelings is indeed sacred.
One thing that I try to focus on is that my baby was rescued from all of the torment he was going through as a heroin addict who wanted so badly to quit. I gave him a pep talk about that just hours before it happened. He is free from the life of hell he was living. I am so very happy to have found this place to find comfort and give comfort to others.

 

Hi Ellen I am truly sorry for your loss I'm new to this and I I've tried talking to my husband about what I'm going through but he is going through it to but in different ways my husband's brother passed away in January 2013 of cancer Then Our Nephew was murdered he died December 2014 and then our Son-in-law died of cancer Christmas day in 2015 I tried to move on but I couldn't I went into a deep depression By 2017 I had to be committed to a psychiatric facility to get on meds I'm doing better but I still have days that I can't get out of bed I'm trying to get to the point of remembering all the amazing times we had together and not think about that I didn't get to say goodbye to my Nephew and watching his 5 children going through this and not being able to help them because I can't even help myself and when my son-in-law was diagnosed with cancer on January 30 2015 I was there with them through all of it watching what it was doing to my son-in-law my Daughter and my Grandchildren and doing what I could but I failed them I couldn't stop there pain and loss I prayed to God everyday to please take this cancer from his body and give it to me I will take his place I will carry this disease for him but my prayers were not answered I watched him take his last breath as a teardrop rolled down his face he was only 36 and left behind a wife and 4 children

 

Ellen.....The holiday of Passover is near. I remember hosting 20 plus family and friends for many years. It has been about 18 months since I lost the most prescious person I ever knew. He had Parkinson's Disease for many years and he always ran the sedar. For the last few years I have been cooking and going to a family member. My kids don't care about holidays at all. This year I was invited to one of my nephew's homes. I simply can not go. I am having a very hard time this second year and even the thought of being there is heart breaking. I would prefer to be alone and pretend it is just a regular day. That is how I handed his debilitating disease..the ostrich plan. Pretend you don't see the problems, but addrss them nevertheless. I was truly in shock when Hospice was mentioned. I was at his side every day he wa in the nursing home...4 years...every day. It was my joy to be there..Even the staff old me not to come so often. Why not..I got excited every day I came to be with him. Back to the point....I don't want to be in a family gathering wtihout him right now. I need to handle this alone and if I cry all night, so be it. I must need to cry to get out the sadness. I am trying to formulate purpose to my life. Much compassion for your multiple losses and a bright light for your future.

 

Yes, I lost my dad in 2003, my mom in 2015, I haven't seen her for a long while tho, couldn't even make her service, then my ex mother inlaw passed, then my husband passed in Jan, 2017, and I hate Holidays and even birthday gatherings @ times! I have lost an Uncle and 3 1st cousins recently! My friend, which is my room mate since she lost her 2ND husband of 7 yrs 6 months before mine passed, and she has been losing quite a few family members, too!

 

Hi Ellen

 

Hi Ellen, I'm a little disappointed that only one person responded to me also. It seems that we're all in so much pain and we reach out in REAL hope of finding each other and then no one responds, it feels like no one cares. I'm don't think that's the truth. I know that I really don't know how to use this website very well and I'm hoping that by responding to others that a thread will begin. I just lost my mom and her cat and I've been devastated and personally I never want to hear about holidays. I would write more but usually I get a note that my reply is too long. If you want to get back to me I'm here.