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Holidays are Especially Hard

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Ellen C, Nov 12, 2016.

  1. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    I'm sure many people feel the same. Having lost everyone in my life that ever meant anything to me, I find that from November to April, I have a very difficult time. Thanksgiving, when I remember all the wonderful family dinners we had. The middle of December, when my birthday and my Mom's birthday fall 4 days apart. We always spent it together and I have many wonderful times to look back on. Hanukah, when I always spent time with my sister and niece, both of which are permanently estranged. Christmas Eve, when I found out two years ago that my husband of nearly 20 years was having an affair for 10 years. And then New Year's all the way to April, when Passover comes, it's more of the same.

    I try to get out and do things and mostly I do my best to avoid too much alcohol, but some days it's impossible to move.
    It doesn't feel as if it will get better anytime soon.
    I just prepare myself as best as I can and ride it out.

    Just wondering how others deal with what can be a very difficult, sad and stressful time.

    Thanks

    Ellen
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Ellen, thank you for being here. This is such a very difficult time, but especially because of all the reasons you've listed above. It sounds to me that you are not only challenged by the time of year, but because of all the "triggers" you are encountering this time of year. For some, the challenge in moving forward is trying to replace the triggers with new experiences. This takes time and support, and please remember how many people can relate to what you are going through. I believe you can find that support here and I'm very glad you have joined us. I wish you all the best...
     
  3. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Thank you for your post and kind words.
    I would just like to express something.
    It is easy for me to feel and show compassion for people on this site because I know in my heart how many of them feel. Truly.
    I think I have made a real effort to reach out to people and I will continue to do so.
    However I must tell you that I feel quite disappointed and a bit hurt that you are the only person to take the time and make the effort to reply.
    I thought we were here to lend support to each other. From my perspective that requires some interaction.
    Just disappointed right now.
    Ellen
     
  4. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Again, and thank you for your reply.
    The last thing we want you to experience here is a feeling of disappointment.
    It's important to note that we are a brand new site. While we have had a strong and steady increase in membership, building this kind of site takes time. I have used part of our forum to help explain how the site works, and also to discuss this site's infancy (see "See and Share Stories" and "Grief in Common Updates Questions & Answers"). Under there I posted a thread about "Getting Better Every Day". I will copy and paste it for you below.
    Also, it's important to note that our forums are just one way to get support. There is messaging and communication going on with our members all day every day.
    To search for a member directly, go to "Make a Connection" and "Find Others Who Are Grieving". There you can search for the criteria that is important you. Keep it simple to start - the less you use for a search, the more people you will find. But play with it, as there a lot of options. From there, choose a member and then "Start a Conversation".
    And again, with a little time, I know you will find the support you need.
    Thank you again - we're truly happy to have you here as part of our site.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "GETTING BETTER EVERY DAY:
    Zappos.com sells shoes, chewy.com sells pet food, and amazon.com sells books (and at this point just about everything else).
    At www.griefincommon.com what we're "selling" is connections...connections and support for those who are grieving. While there are certainly websites on grieving and message boards on loss, our site is the first that allows you to create and search profiles of fellow grievers, based on the criteria that's important to you.
    Think of it like a match.com without the romantic intent.
    We are a brand new site and growing every day. With each person who joins we have more to offer - more chance of someone for you to find with a loss similar to your own, someone who may live in your area, someone who you may one day call a friend...
    Every time we add a new member the importance of the service we're offering becomes more relevant.
    Quite simply this site becomes better every day.
    By joining us in our early days you are part of something. Part of a community and network of grievers, who are all here to help and be helped. So thank you for joining, and please know we appreciate your patience as our community builds.
    Together, we can get better, one day at a time."
     
  5. Donna73

    Donna73 New Member

    Hi Ellen I am new to the site I would just like to say i understand how hard the holiday season is so you are not alone and i hope my reply gives you some comfort. I lost my father just after Christmas last year and shortly before that i broke up with my partner so this time of year is very hard for me also. Just wanted you to know you are understood
     
    Kristin Leal and griefic like this.
  6. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Hi Donna,
    Thanks for your post. I know you understand and I am also very sorry about your Dad and your partner. Yes, holidays are tough for many people and particularly when they mark a very painful occurrence in your life.
    It really helps being in contact with nice people who are coming from the same difficult place. I hope this year is not too painful for you.
    Be kind to yourself.
    Thanks again.

    Ellen
     
    griefic likes this.
  7. Kristin Leal

    Kristin Leal New Member

    I completely understand. On 11/10 was the 1st Anivarsary of my dad's death. I've been in such a depression since his passing and with the holidays it's just getting worse. I'm sorry for your losses.
     
  8. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Kristin,
    Thank you so much and please accept my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your Dad.
    You know, so many people just don't understand until they themselves have lost a parent. It truly changes you forever.
    My biological father abandoned me when I was 15 years old when he divorced my Mom. She remarried a wonderful man and for more than 35 years, he was my beloved Step- Dad, though I always called him Dad and he always knew me as his Daughter. He literally saved my life.
    He died suddenly on February 4, 2005 from Mesothelioma, and I felt my heart break. I visited his grave at least once a month, and it really took me more than 8 years to do so without crying hysterically each time. And now my Mom is buried next to him and I visit them both and all the tears start over again and don't stop. So many people I know just don't get it and tell me "get over it."
    You never really get over losing a part of who you are.
    Thank you again and I hope this holiday season is peaceful and less painful than the last for both you and I and everyone here who has lost a loved one.
    Ellen
     
  9. john

    john Active Member

    Dear Ellen
    This year is going to especially hard fo I lost my wife Carolyn in April and I made it through thanksgiving but yesterday I was buying a memorable gift and I just had a meltdown My heart just broke in to a thousand pieces
    And I think we talked before bout my mother and father
    Just know you are not alone here
    If you need someone to talk to or vent I'm here
    Take care of your self

    Sincere
    John
     
  10. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Thank you John. And please know the same. Always here to listen. However you feel.
    Hang in there.
    Ellen
     
  11. LauRae

    LauRae Member

    I think I'm starting to cry. Well maybe just tearing up a little. That's a good thing.

    Holidays are Horror Days Tumi 2 me. This year I'm trying to lighten up.
     
  12. LauRae

    LauRae Member

    Eep. Premature post.

    Last night I forced myself 2go 2 a holiday event 4 about half an hour. It did help. I know I don't want to isolate.

    Thank you Ellen for starting this thread.
     
  13. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear LauRae:
    Good for you! Baby steps. Just do what makes you feel comfortable and God willing you'll get to a point where it will be less difficult each time. I truly commend you for putting yourself out there. Surely, it's not easy. I've been there as well and honestly...I still am.

    Reach out whenever you like. I always respond to posts.
    I hope the holiday season isn't too hard for all of us.

    Be Well!

    Ellen
     
  14. PhyllisG

    PhyllisG Active Member

    Hello all, I am new here as well. I'm so glad I found this site....the others have no participation and I really need to try and listen and talk to others who know and understand my feelings. I lost my only child, my son Joey, to an accidental heroin overdose on June 17, 2016. Just typing those words makes my heart crumble to pieces. The devastation is simply indescribable. I had just gone to visit him on May 23-25, 2016, and 23 days later, my baby was gone forever. I am no longer the same person. I do not know who I am, and don't really care about it. I do not know how I am going to make it through this. Almost 6 months have passed; I go and visit him every week. It makes me feel like I am taking care of him. I still sob on my visiting days, but that's a bit of a release for me, too.

    PhyllisG
     
  15. LauRae

    LauRae Member

    Phyllis,
    Hi, I feel like decades later I'm figuring out a lot of my identity that simply ended when my brother died after many injuries from a drunk driver. Sigh.
    You are doing your best and that's all anybody can. So sorry about your son.
    I believe that feeling the feelings is important, even sacred in a way.
     
  16. Jazz

    Jazz Member

    Oh sister I so feel your pain. My youngest son was hit by a car on February 4th in California where he attended Bethel. He was going very fast down a hill on his bike with no helmet but Beats headphones and no light on his bike when an oncoming SUV turned left in front of him and he collided with the front end. It snapped the bike in 3 pieces and my baby's head crushed the windshield. He received a traumatic brain injury and a broken left femur. As I travel to California to be with him his neurosurgeon had just finished operating on his brain and said to be prepared as he does not believe he will live till I get there. He turned 21 the hospital and walked out one month to the day of the accident. I spent seven weeks taking care of him and his girlfriend. In September he had his skull cap put back in so he no longer needed to wear a helmet but his brain swelled up again and hes not acting like himself at all. They came 2 Idaho for their wedding reception and didn't stay with me but with a friend. He only stopped by for a haircut. He told his dad that I was the one who didn't want his wife to come to breakfast with us. Which started a huge Family Feud and his dad and his stepmom wouldn't speak to me at the reception and ignored me and had angry faces on the whole time. My son made my first love actually hate me so the ties are severed. My son seems to have left his family behind. He acts totally normal except for short term memory loss. He's mad that we didn't pay for his honeymoon. Don't know what ever made him think that was going to happen because we didn't do it for his siblings. He was cold hearted towards me and my heart is ripped out but I decided to start right here. I'm also going to seek Mental Health because I need to learn how to love me now because my kids are grown and gone and I have to figure out what my purpose in life is. I'm sorry for the mini book.
     
  17. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Phyllis,
    I am so very sorry about your son. I feel your pain and I truly understand. I lost my Dad 12 years ago, my Mom last year and my husband this past June through a very hurtful divorce, as well as my only sister and niece through a permanent estrangement. Basically everyone who ever meant anything to me. And I was reluctant to discuss what I will now, but I think it will help you and others who have lost children.
    I was married briefly when I was 21 years old. It lasted less than a year, due to physical abuse...once, which was enough for me. I found out I was pregnant and decided to have the baby. That was in 1976. I made the very hard decision to give her up for adoption in order to have a better life than I could giver her. It was an open adoption and when Hope was 9 years old, she met me. It was incredible for us both. From that point on we were in each other's lives. When she was 16, she was diagnosed with Leukemia. She needed a kidney and I was a match. We had our surgeries and I gave her life for the 2nd time. She lived another 10 years and in 2002, her Mom, Dad and I buried our only child together. I felt blessed and honored to be a part of her life, but that day my heart was shattered and I knew I would never feel the same. And as I write this, and think back, the feelings are still raw and my tears are still flowing. Back then I never thought I would, could or even wanted to survive. There were many days that I wanted to die as well. Life was just too hard. Yet somehow I just took one day at a time and I'm still here.
    On Sunday I will be 63 years old. Tomorrow would have been my Mom's 85 birthday. We always spent the week together, and tonight I am missing her so very much.
    My heart still has many deep cracks in it. I won't lie to you. It's very hard for sure and I still struggle every single day. However life is a gift and there is always joy to be found. I am grateful for the many wonderful memories I have to fall back on and which I will always hold in my heart.
    And I am grateful that I found the inner strength to keep going and so will you.
    I had years of therapy and support groups. And mostly many years of prayers.
    You will find a way to heal Phyllis. Your own way and in your own time. Take it slow and be easy on yourself. Feel your feelings and reach out to people who can comfort and help you.
    Things will get easier and you'll be able to honor your son's memory by doing what he would have wanted you to do.
    SURVIVE.
    Warmly,
    Ellen
     
  18. Jazz

    Jazz Member

    Ellen,
    My heart hurts for you. You sound a lot like me. I love that the three of you went together. Praying for healing for you.
     
  19. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Thank you Jazz. I wish you comfort as well. This site really helps. There are so many people here dealing with the same pain and struggling to be ok. It's heartbreaking to read about all the loss, but also inspiring to see how many strong, resilient and compassionate people there are in the world.

    Peace and Happy Holidays to you!

    Ellen
     
  20. Jazz

    Jazz Member

    Phyllis love, you said the exact words I just said about myself yesterday. I am so sad for your loss. There are no words to describe. I wish there was something I could say to you to make this all better. Hopefully someone who has been through this can give us some help.