I have a family of angels. It started before I was born, my Uncle was the first born and first to pass. Only his parents got to know his love. He was soon welcomed by My aunt Rose before i met her, and she had to leave behind two small chidren at the time Brian and Jennifer. Soon after it was my moms turn, I was 7. She died of an overdose to heroin.. i always thought she was selfish. We were spared a few years of death.. we got to love and grow as a family for a while. My cousin Brian passed away 4 years ago in a car accident involving him and my father.. i almost lost both. He was the glue that held our family together.. my cousin was full of happiness and life. I never seen him mad, and he always had open arms and door for me.. i was always too childish to realize how much he cared for me when no one else noticed i need it.. i wish i could have properly thanked him for always being there for me throughout my life.. i didn't have much consistency. His loss was a hard one to grieve... i went to counselling for my first time a year after his passing.. to help my depression and my OCD symptom increase. A year or so later his lifelong best friend and family friend of ours passed away the same way he did. I stopped going to counselling. He had tried calling me before he passed..i missed it.. we never talked before. I always wonder what he wanted to say. It was almost an ambush of death after that... my two uncles passed within a year or so after one another, then my aunt not to long after and just under a year ago my cousin had to give birth to her still born son... I have lost children aswell.. never had to still born, i couldn't imagine her heartache.. i feel for her everyday. Mine were miscarriages.. i always felt like maybe my mom and family needed some grandchildren aswell. I should have 7 living children, i have 2. They are my angels on earth. Someday i will get to meet mine i lost. I hold them heavy in my heart. I mentioned my father and didn't speak much of him. He has been around on and off in my life since the beginning, I always thought my mom was the one who abandoned me, i found her day planner a few years ago. She wrote about me not getting to say goodbye to get before going with my dad, and i never came back in that book.. although it says i should have. He always told me my life was bad with her, that she was an addict. My life was bad with him, he was an addict. How can there be judgement? He said he took me away from a bad place to a somewhat better one... He took me and she died of a drug overdose fueled with a broken heart.. i know what trying end it all over a broken heart feels like.. she accomplished it. I just found all this out.. and my dad is dying himself. He is a methhead living in the bushes, with a million stories to time to listen to our common sense. He told me to go fuck myself, now and in the future.. he doesn't know i know he took me from my mother.. someday he will hear how much he hurt us. My cousin Brian made my dad a better person before he died.. he was showing my dad the light he never got to see. It all ended that night. I lost them both. I feel like everything i lost is to much for people.. I see things so differently. No one understands my harsh realism or my morbid view of things. I always expect death. The saddest truth is it doesn't wait, it doesn't care how good or bad you are.. the good people die first because they can me made into something after.. they have a voice even after they are gone. I'm a mess.. life has made me a mess.. this is a short version of it. I am open to conversation and questions. I have a big heart, and ear to listen. I love giving advice for those in need as i seem to be good at sending out positive and not so good at hearing it. sending love.
