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Broken Hearted

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Vanna83, Apr 6, 2018.

  1. Vanna83

    Vanna83 New Member

    My story is a bit long...my apologies...
    5 years ago I met the man that would change my life forever...he was the love of my life! His name was Rodney...
    After 2 years of dating, we were talking about marriage, buying a home and possibly children. Well, I got pregnant! It was a surprise!!! It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Shortly after learning we were going to have a baby, Rodney started "freaking out" a little bit (ie: drinking heavily, coming home not being nice to me, then apologizing and begging for forgiveness the next day). While the drinking stopped, he started disappearing for extended periods of time...hours then eventually days. He quit his 6 figure job that required him to travel alot, to open his own business, because he wanted to "be home for the baby". However, he did not have the funds nor the assets to really allow this to happen. Next thing I know, all of our bank accounts are drained, he is gone for days at a time and his behavior is off. I eventually learned that he started using drugs and sleeping around with random women...
    He'd come home randomly and I never knew what mood he'd be in or what kind of shape he'd be in. He wouldn't know what day it was or thought he was gone for 3 hours, when he was in fact gone for 3 days...I was watching the love of my life slowly "die" in front of me and leave this "shell" of a person who looked like him, talked like him, smelled like him...but it wasn't him....AND IM PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD! I found myself pregnant and alone. I was lucky enough to move out, with nothing but the clothes on my back.
    After our son was born, Rodney's behavior became erratic and his drug use got worse. He was in and out of jail, couldn't keep a job and was homeless. I didn't know who this person was...I ended up filing for full custody of our son. He'd see our son occasionally and only on my terms. I'd sometimes allow him to stay the night over my house so he could spend the night with our son, since he was homeless. I'd make sure he was fed and had a shower...I still tried to take care of him...
    One day Rodney went missing! His "friends" hadn't seen or spoken to him in days, then weeks. I initially was not alarmed as I was used to him disappearing and not contacting me, sometimes for months at a time, but when his friends AND family hadn't heard from him in 2 months...I started to become alarmed. 2 months turned into 8 months...we were hearing all kinds of scary stories (ie: he owed some bad people money, he was murdered and his body dumped in the desert, he went on a drug run that turned bad...etc).
    During our son's 2nd birthday party, we got the call that Rodney's remains had been found!!! After 8 months of heart wrenching searching!!!
    He was found on a ledge in the middle of the desert. We have no idea how he got onto this ledge, but apparently he got up, could not get down and eventually died.
    I live in the Arizona desert where temperatures easily reach over 110 degrees in the summer....he went missing in July!
    His body was taken down off the mountain via helicopterin April.
    I struggle EVERYDAY still trying to make sense of all of it! I feel like I've watched him die twice! First his being, then his body...
    Though I have dated before he went missing and even after his death, I only recently feel like I still love him. I thought I wrote him off, especially after the drug use, the cheating and leaving me alone during the pregnancy.
    I know alot of this behavior was because of the drug use, but now that he has been gone for a year, I'm realizing he will always have my heart, so none of the relationships I have been in last...
    I'm heart broken and angry for me, but mostly for my son. My son will never know his dad and my heart can't handle That!
    I don't know how to move forward.
    Thank you for listening....
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Vanna, thank you for sharing this story with us. And there's certainly no need to apologize! I think writing our thoughts out can be very therapeutic. As you've said you have mourned the loss of this love more than once. I think anyone who has a loved one who has abused drugs or alcohol can relate. And it's not strange to me that you feel your love perhaps more strongly now. Time has a way of softening the edges of anger, and so all's that left is the love and the memories of what brought you together in the first place. These losses can be very isolating, but there are others who can understand. I hope you will find that support here. Please let me know if you have any questions or if we can be a help in any way. I wish you all the best~
     
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