Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mother's death, which was mother's day in 2010. I watched her die for 13 years, constantly in and out of the hospital because of asthma, cancer, and complications due to both. When she took her last breath... I felt relief. And then the crushing guilt that I could be relieved that she was dead. I've been to counselors, some good, some bad, and some that have no business talking about grief to anyone. I'd be in counseling now except work will some how find a way to stop me and I don't have the energy to fight on all fronts. I fight to go on, I fight to get up, go to work, I fight traffic, I fight myself, I fight my co-workers and the urge to tell them exactly what I think of them, when I'm forced to think about them. Every day is a battle and I'm worn out. I feel like the warrior that just wants peace, just the war is on the inside, and I don't know how not to fight. 8 years... and you would think I'd be at a better place with this but every year at this time, BAM, WHAM. I'm down and out, can't think, can barely function and yesterday? I got into an argument with my husband and smacked the ever living crap out of myself, hard enough that my face still hurts. Why? Why did I smack myself? I saved a spider the other day, I listen to my co-workers belittle and objective women all day, and I don't lash out. So why? Why did I hurt myself? Grief, helplessness, frustration, depression? All of the above. But I don't know what to do about it and I was really hoping to find people here that could help.
Hi I'm sorry for your loss, your not alone . My loss is a bit more recent and I'm currently going through counselling. One of the best questions my psychologist asked was "What now?" It was a way to help me evaluate my life right now and help me come up with meaning. Why am I here? What's there to move on to? I personally love to help people so I started doing some volunteer work. I'm not sure this will help, but maybe take a few minutes out of your day to do something you genuinely love as a starting point. With love Michelle ❤
