Lost, empty, not real

My husband died on Monday, December 19th 2016. He was complaining that both his arms hurt, chest pain and then he started throwing up. I asked if we should go to the hospital, he said he didn't want to go anywhere and didn't think he could drive. He told me he haven't taken his meds for days. He was a borderline diabetic and had hurt his back picking up something about a week ago. He didn't like the way the muscle relaxers made him feel so he stopped them to. After feeling sick he drank a bottle of water and checked in the net about side effects if he stopped those muscle relaxers. The side effect was arm pain, chest pain and nausea. So he took one and laid down with me. He was too restless to sleep so went down stairs to play a video game. Not more than 15 minutes later I went downstairs to get him. He had the headset on, mouth opened and I couldn't wake him up. I called 911, followed their directions to do CPR. 45 minutes later EmT showed up and prounanced him dead 40 minutes after that. His death is my fault, I can't live with myself. I am lost waiting to wake up. I take sleeping pills at night and cry all day. I don't know what to do, where to start. I am so sorry I just want him back. Married 24 years and counting. I don't know how to deal with this.

 

Dear Patricia His death is not your fault The lord took your husband he has a plan for him My wife of 56 years just passed 5 weeks ago i think i know how you
feel . I am a total wreak not only was she my wife she was my Very best friend i can not go but a few minutes with out crying I hope you find a way through
your grief. Ray

 

Hi Ray,

It's been 6 months since I wrote that. Since then I laid Rick ashes to rest at Arlington National Cemetery on May 12, and the VFW and ABATE honored him in our hometown with a tree and engraved stone. He was the local VFW Commander, the President of a chapter of the US Military Vets MC, a Mason, and a active member of ABATE. He had a lot of friends. The days are better, but memorial day was awful: I cried the entire day.
A few weeks ago I purchased a copy of Dragon Software which allows me to speak into my phone and it creates a word document for me. I use it to talk to Rick. I also tried Church and Widower groups: they help somewhat, but the pain is always with me. I miss companionship, the togetherness, the closeness. Those looks that pass between two people that share a moment and memory.
One thing, I"m not afraid to die, and actually don't consider little things as important as they once were. I hope you are doing better.
Patricia

 

Hey there Patricia - it sounds like you've improved over time, although only a little has passed. I am so sorry Memorial Day was such a difficult day for you. I lost my only child, my 26 year-old son Joey, on June 17, 2016, from an accidental drug overdose. I just passed the one year anniversary of the most painful, horrible day of my life. I just take all the peace and comfort I can in knowing that he is now at peace, just as me and the rest of my Joey's family, no longer have to worry about his well-being and generally if he would end of in prison or in Heaven. I am so happy the Good Lord rescued him first.

I did want to tell you, though, that I like the last sentence of your post - you are "not afraid to die" and that little things aren't as important any more. Hold on to that......that kind of faith will get you through anything at all.''

Love and hugs to you.

Phyllis

 

Hey Ray - I am so sorry for your loss of your wife and best friend. I lost my 26 year-old son, Joey, to an accident drug overdose on June 17, 2016. Joey was my only child, and words do not exist that would tell anyone just how much we loved each other. BUT... I just hang on to my faith that it was the Lord's choice to rescue Joey from the demons he fought for more than 10 years. His father and I also find peace in knowing that Joey will never have to suffer the pain the losing either of us, or anyone else close to him. For those two things, I truly am grateful.

Best wishes to you; you are in my prayers.

Phyllis

 

Thank you Phyllis: I cry less, and still don't think it real. I can't remember Ricks face or his voice, but I clearly remember things he said. I hate being alone, I miss him, his company and just the knowledge that he's somewhere in the house or at riding his motorcycle somewhere. One of another bad experience, which was almost as bad as Memorial Day, people who were friends or close friends of his haven't a clue what pain this is like, a d therefore they expect me to do things, that I can't do yet. ( like look through Ricks stuff for something).

Its depressing to also have so much stuff, that I can't even keep up picking up after myself.

Sorry to hear about your son, I'm sure the grieving is just as deep and heartfelt. I can't imagine what you must if gone through. I do believe in god and hopefully I'll see Rick when it's my time, just as you'll meet Joey again.
I do have remember not to sweat the same stuff.

Take care, hugs:
Patricia and thank you for writing.

Thank you